to be happy?

The title will make sense if you reach the end of the post. But for now let me tell you about the last day of my gap year, it ties together at the end.

So for the official last day of my gap year, even though the end was imminently felt about a week prior, I didn’t have any plans so I asked my mom to go out with me to IKEA at Alexandra. I don’t even recall if I have ever been to this outlet because I always go to the Tampines IKEA (it’s alot closer!). 

We took a cab there as we had no idea how to get there via public transport.Processed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetIt was kind of a bad idea because it was a sunday and IKEA was soooo crowded. The queue was so long and was about 20-25 minutes before food finally reached our table.Processed with VSCO with a6 presetSalmon Fillet with Wheat Pilaf & Hollandaise SauceProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetKottbullar! Plus french fries and an almond butterscotch cake.

The food was nice but my appetite for the week has been absolutely terrible and I could barely finish my food. Sighhh when will these bad feelings past, even good food can’t take me out of this funk.

And finally our trip to the showrooms start!Processed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetThis red room is so cool!Processed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetMy mom just kept staring and laughing at the sight of all these people falling asleep at the sofa section, you may not be able to see in the pictures but some of them really made it so that they could sleep, not sit or rest or accidental doze off but like go to bed.Processed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetProcessed with VSCO with a6 presetIt always amuses me how people treat these showrooms like ACTUAL HOMES. You aren’t filming a cute montage for 500 days of summer, please get the fuck up.Processed with VSCO with a6 presetThis is such a tumblr-ish idea of a bedroom.Processed with VSCO with a6 presetI bought a purple lantern, vanilla scented candles, 30m roll of paper and some chalk while my mom got a seat cushion!Capture.PNGThat’s me carrying a huge IKEA bag.

We later went to queensway to go to Frank’s leather shop for some fine leather goods, I wanted to buy a leather bag, which the lady gave an extremely affordable price but hmm I’m just not in the position to spend that much money on a bag, I feel so guilty because she was trying really hard to push the sale and kept on cutting the price for me ): 

Later on my mom tried to get a custom leather document bag made but again, too expensive.

Processed with VSCO with a6 presetLater in the night, my mom made delicious prawns for me but again my appetite was so poor, I barely ate half. And as you can tell, its a really small amount! But I simply cannot get over the sinking feeling in my stomach and chest. 

Truth be told, it is due to my school life starting and me having to relinquish the freedom I had for the past year. To wake up every morning without obligations and free to design the day however I want, made me so happy, appreciative and grateful for living, it sounds stupid but it gave me a renewed vigor for life, something I never had. You know those quotes that tell you its just a bad day not a bad life. My overthinking mind was actually able to buy that, even if I had a shitty day, I knew tomorrow is a new day for me to command.

Be it through simple things like, getting up early to go for a run in the morning, writing a post, shooting with my DSLR, even binge watching a TV show hehe, helping my mother give out flyers, cooking up a new recipe, reading a new book etc. Throughout, from primary to poly, its always been about going to school, stressing out about homework and exams, and with the little time I have left, its to find time for things that actually make me smile. And with the gap year it was just about doing what makes me feel happy and productive, each day was a new day to do something wonderful and genuine from my own heart. It finally felt like I actually have the rest of my life ahead of me.

Now that it is ripped away from me and I’m now plunged into the terrifying place that I have been avoiding for so long, a state of mind that the next day isn’t ‘mine’ anymore, its a life of obligatory duties. 

There isn’t going to be a meaningful resolve to this post because I’m still trying to figure it out. How do i go from here and what to do? Is it really about doing what makes you happy or is it purgatory with sprinkles of meaningless joy every once in awhile. I don’t know, this was dark af. Gotta lay down!

2 thoughts on “to be happy?

  1. First of all, I love that where you live a ‘gap year’ is a common thing. Here, there is so much pressure to go right to college as soon as your done with high school and then get a job after that. So I’m glad to hear you enjoyed some time to yourself. Universities may be different there but I promise that college can be a lot of fun and doesn’t have to be something that you dread. Maybe just focus on making the most of your “free time” so it’s meaningful and makes you happy!

    Liked by 1 person

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